sweet relief

third interview. offer. that simple.

i officially received an offer and i accepted. sent back the paperwork and everything. i have a job. the search is over, at least for the time being.

i have a job. and i don't feel like a loser anymore. i'm not as fearful, nervous, anxious, sensitive, angry, sad, depressed, resentful, afraid, sullen or hateful as i've been feeling the last few months.

i finally have a job. and it literally took 2 weeks. can you imagine? i've been looking for almost 6 months. my last day at avon was on 10.22.09 and i start my new gig 4.19.10. i had my first interview on a tuesday or wednesday, my second interview the following tuesday, my third interview friday with a copy test in between. i got my offer at the end of the third interview. i just don't even know what to say. right now what i am feeling is mostly relief, shock and awe. it was literally all buttoned-up in 2 weeks while i spent the last 6 losing my sanity.

so there you go. i am employed. ha-lle-friggin-lu-ja.

so that last interview was pretty bad, mostly because i was locked in a stuffy room like a dog, driving myself crazy and waiting to get to the next step of my interview. i wonder do people do this to break you down? i mean, i know that's a little bit paranoid and everyone is so busy at work, blah blah blah busy-cakes, but seriously? waiting for an hour to get to the next step of the interview? and when i inquired if i should still be waiting, i was told that she was stuck on the phone. ok, fine, it happens--i don't really think so, but i'll go with it--so how about someone coming in to tell me to just relax and sit tight because so and so is blah blah blah. wouldn't that be nice? listen here, if it's some strange, corporate-hazing ritual, that's fine. i'm down with that. just let me know so that i can adjust my mental thought patterns, you know?

i got a copy test that same night, which was a pretty tall order: 2 big advertorials that they wanted by midday the next day. ok, i can do that. it might be tough, but i can do that.

bread and water, please!

so i had another interview the other day--second as a matter of fact, which is good--and i realize the thing that trips me up. i'm a babbling fool. yep. i mean, i always knew this about myself; i knew i did it in social situations when i was feeling awkward, but i'm realizing it more and more that i do it on interviews out of nervousness. i am not a good interviewee naturally, i am not a good shmoozer; i just don't have that gift. i am nervous and insecure and afraid and desperate. i want a job. i need a job. i feel like i'm walking a tightrope and in a few steps, i am going to plummet to my death. which leads me to my most recent interview...

first part goes well, which i'm relieved and even a little surprised about. i was so nervous, especially because i get off the elevator and there's no reception area. i'm waiting and waiting and going a little crazy, thinking to myself, i'm here on time--early, actually, which is a miracle in and of itself because i'm never early for anything!--and no one is going to know that because no one is coming to let me in, and it will seem like i'm late. and my thoughts were coming about a mile a minute and i was in the middle of a freakout because it's been a good ten minutes, and i'm just sitting there waiting. so i finally knock on the glass doors and some poor guy came over and was basically like what the hell do you want? weird, i know, but i'm so glad that i knocked on the door like the little matchstick girl because the person i was interviewing with forgot i was coming in today. awesome. i was supposed to ask for the HR person, and i did, but have yet to meet her. totally odd.

so first part of the interview goes well and i'm supposed to wait for the VP of blah blah blah. ok, great! 10 minutes, 20 minutes, 30 minutes, 35 minutes...and the whole time i'm freaking out because i am wondering if i'm actually supposed to still be there. did they forget about me? are they blowing me off? what's going on? 40 minutes, 45 minutes....

are they testing my patience to see how long i can wait or are they testing my initiative to see if i will speak up? yes, i am completely driving myself crazy. the whole time i felt myself becoming more and more anxious and a bit panicky. the room was stuffy and i was getting warmer and warmer. it reminded me of back in the day when i would get random panic attacks. i literally felt my rational thought pattern unraveling. i kind of felt like i was a suspect on NCIS waiting for Gibbs to come and interrogate me. so after an hour of me losing my mind, the VP of bad manners comes in and we start the interview. unfortunately for me, i just can't snap back or pull it together, and all my thoughtful, prepared answers go out the window. and i know that i am tanking this because i can see it all over her face. and i just feel like crap, so i finally tell her i can show her what i can do if she gives me a copy test because at this point, i am having trouble focusing my thought patterns and i'm a babbling idiot. i felt like i was having an out-of-body experience because i could see myself babbling on and on, and i heard my own voice watching from a distance telling myself to shut the hell up.

the timeline thus far...

since october 2009 i got laid off, was accused of hitting on a friend's boyfriend (i didn't and would never), packed up my apartment to move back home, saw a really good friend move to new zealand and was accused of being a lesbian (not that there's anything wrong with that, but i'm not).

so i'm a jobless, boyfriend-stealing, lesbian who lives at home.

cheers to me.

the path train every day might have really sucked...

so i didn't get the diapers.com job, which sucks because after 2 trips to montclair, nj and one to jersey city, i was really hoping for an offer. once again, i'm more disappointed about the fact that i still don't have a job than not getting the job itself. so maybe that says something. and while the trip to jersey city wasn't the worst commute in the world, i could see it getting old rather quickly. maybe it was for the best. who knows. i keep telling myself that a great job i'll love with people i like, earning more than i did at avon is out there for me.

what was super annoying about the whole diapers.com job is that i had to follow up with them twice to find out that they hired someone else, "but i'm still a good candidate for another position..." or so i am paraphrasing. just man up and let me know you went with someone else. in the long run, i don't know that either would have been ideal for me, but i would have had my own team eventually so that was the attractive, dangling carrot. oh well. i have two more interviews this week; i'm not sure where they will lead, but onward and upward, right?

fortune smiles upon you

i just ate delicious chinese take-out, which was a surprise in and of itself and i thought i'd share my fortune with you. normally, i love fortunes; it's a better treat than the damn stale cookie by a long run. and tonight's really tickled my funny bone.

"if you're feeling down, try throwing yourself into your work."


happy belated effing chinese new year.

the power of positive thinking

in the last two days two different people have asked me if i thought about switching fields.


because it's that easy in the biggest economic downturn of our lives, when jobs in nyc are down about 10%, and in the last year, the city lost about 160,000 jobs, i just figured that i'd switch careers.

because it's that easy.

i mean seriously? i feel like i'm on an SNL skit, particularly the really!?! skit during the news with seth meyer.

i mean, i don't know what to say to that except for counting to about a hundred, gritting my teeth and thinking that the person i'm talking with is lobotomized. i mean really!?! now, i've been a straight-up copywriter since 2003; i have digital and print experience; i've worked my way up from junior to senior, and i've trained people. i have a good resume and a good portfolio. i'm good at my job, and it's been a struggle for me to get a job. i've been lucky that i have interviews. and everyone with half a brain cell knows that right now it's an employers' job market; there are so many people out of work that they can take their time and pick and choose.

so if i am having trouble in an area that i am actually quite good at and have a lot of experience, why would someone hire me in another field? much less look at my resume?

i mean, i don't know. maybe it's me. maybe i'm being narrow-minded and bitter and more. it just doesn't make sense to me. and i know that you're trying to help, but i just can't even with that. another friend today told me that it was all about my PMA (positive mental attitude), and while for the most part i do agree with that, my other side is telling her to suck it because it's easy to talk PMA when you haven't been unemployed the last 5 months and back living at home.

i'll be unsubscribing to dailycandy ASAP

found out last night i didn't get the job at dailycandy.com, which is disappointing. the person i interviewed with seemed cool, the corporate culture seemed laidback, the office was in a gorgeous loft and the people seemed young and hip. i was even told that you could bring small dogs to the office. that right there made me want the job more than anything. although i did want the job for all the reasons listed above. i thought it would be a cool place to work and i figured i would like what i was doing. and the atmosphere was such a 180 from avon that it made the job even more appealing.

the guy i interviewed with said he liked my writing samples and writing style, and even told me he didn't think i'd have a problem with the copy test. and i felt like i did well on the interview too although there was one weird question, which has been replaying itself in my brain. he asked me how i would feel about being managed, which i thought was odd. who asks that? i mean, unless you're the president of the company or the CEO or something, everyone has a manager. and even if you're the president or the CEO, you're answering to someone, a board, a committee, something. so i thought that was weird. i mean, in the workplace, you always answer to someone. so what was up with that?

i don't know what the deal is because i thought i did well on the interview and the writing test so i don't know why i didn't get the job. and that is making me more insecure than ever. maybe i didn't do as well as i thought? maybe it wasn't the right fit for me. maybe our personalities didn't mesh. he did mention that he thought i was overqualified so maybe that's it. i don't know. i am trying to figure out what the deal was and why i didn't get the job. and to be honest, i didn't ask the HR person because 1--some people are weird about that. i don't know that they are going to be honest with me and 2--even if they are, it's subjective. so do i want that to throw me off balance for my next interview when i am already feeling off?

yeah, i don't think so.

you're a mean one, ms. grinch

i've never had a problem with the grinch. he's green and he looks like a kitty; what's not to like? i know it's a little bit weird to be talking about the grinch when it's march and the weather is starting to take on the first hints of spring, but he's the cultural figure i find the most relevant right now. i can't help it, but right now i feel like the grinch. i've been in a bad mood since october 8, 2009, since i got called into the conference room and was told my position was being eliminated. at least it feels that way. and the worst part is that i struggle to find enough joy and happiness to celebrate other people's good moments. engagements, babies, birthdays? i've got nothing for you. god, i hate that feeling. logically, i know i need to snap out of it; there's enough joy and abundance in the universe for everyone. and i'm not a bad person, but i just don't have it in me.

today is my third interview. i hope i do well.

i think i've figured out what to wear.

random thoughts

i think the hardest part about being back at home at 34 is that i feel like i am a kid all over again and i have less freedom than i am used to. it's so weird and it sucks. and i feel like i have to keep reenforcing the fact that i'm not a kid anymore. i feel reactive and at the same time, i feel like i need to keep setting boundaries.

how many more times can i use the phrase "i feel"? strangely emotional these days, which i guess makes sense.

i have my third interview at the same company tomorrow; trying not to be nervous or intimidated. on a shallow note, i'm not sure what to wear. have an interview with a recruiter on wednesday; we'll see how that goes. i've never had that much luck with recruiters, but maybe this will be a good thing. just sent an email follow-up about an interview this week so hopefully, i will hear something soon. i sent my thank-you card to the amazing guy i met on friday. i really, really hope that something comes from that.

trying to get motivated to get on the treadmill. i might as well make some good use of the time on my hands--aside from catching up on ncis.

the fleet of hope is so pretty when she's shining in the port...

i had the most amazing interview today. i'm not even sure that i did exceptionally well or anything, but the person i interviewed with was so inspiring and passionate about his job and the company that it was infectious. really all i want is to find a job that i enjoy, can be proud of the work i do, like what i am doing so that every minute of the day doesn't feel like a chore, and it doesn't feel like i'm being held hostage. i want to like the people i work with; i want to be able to respect them and be inspired by them. i felt like that sometimes at macys.com, and that's a good feeling. i never felt like that at avon; if anything i always felt like i was trapped in box creatively and everything i did was wrong.

i'm not sure what will happen next, but i'm hoping that there is a next step. the best part was that it was with an agency, and i really want agency experience. i think it would be great on my resume, but more than that, i think it would be an awesome experience creatively.

this was the first time in a long time where i felt really inspired by someone. it was the first time on an interview where i felt like wow, i really want this job because it sounds amazing, and i really want this job because i want to work for you.

crossing my fingers...

united states senator jim bunning from kentucky is a moron

i am so not politically-minded. i'm a democrat, but that's basically it. i don't know why, i'm just not. i can't even believe that i'm going to admit this, but i barely watch the news; i get my news from snippets on ny1. what they tell me is what i know.

today my mom told me that a republican senator is trying to block the unemployment benefits extension, which completely freaked me out because i'll be hitting my 4-month mark soon. and while i don't want to think like this, six months of being unemployed might not be far off so it's scary. and i'm one of the lucky ones because i'm back at home. but what about people who aren't so lucky? people with families and mortgages and god forbid medical bills.


i just need to keep telling myself that i'm going to be ok and that i will find a job soon. i really can't let my mind go to the thoughts of being unemployed for 6 months; i just need to keep telling myself that i'll get a job soon and everything will be ok. it's my mantra.

gross germ girl

i've been sick for pretty much the entire month. yep, the whole month. congested, coughing, sneezing--complete and sheer grossness.

so of course, i went on an interview. because why wouldn't i? the thing is, throughout the couple of weeks i'd been sick--i think it was like 3.5 or something--there were days where i felt better than others. almost human. so i thought that i would be ok.

oh ahhahah, i should have known better.

there i am, on the subway, la dee da, on my way to this interview and i'm not 100%, but i'm ok. a little bit of a scratchy throat, but nothing that i can't handle because you know, i have been sick since 'nam at this point so what's a scratchy throat to me?
wouldn't you know it! the second i get in the interview, it's like i'm a hacker without a computer.

and of course it was pouring rain, and of course i was late--hello! that's like the worst thing that could ever happen in interview-land and i'd never been late before. it was pouring sheets of water, the wind was blowing, i was dressed up and i was running. yeah, i was running. have i mentioned that i don't run? EVER. i felt a little bit like the mad hatter running around and worrying about time.

even worse? i couldn't locate the building. had the address, but couldn't locate the building. can you believe that?


i think the interview on its own went pretty well; i felt like i was informed, i am knowledgeable in my field, nice, smart, polite, good personality. the caveat? i coughed through the whole thing.

i was gross germ girl.

ugh.

so it was last week. i was finally able to send my thank-you card in the mail--i was stuck in the house for a few days, courtesy of being sick and the crazy blizzard that happened over the weekend. and i'm thinking about that particular interview now and wondering, am i going to get a second interview? i guess i should wait until my thank-you card arrives before i follow up with the interviewer.

i have another interview tomorrow so i hope that goes well.

these things take time...

i have a third interview at a company. i'm really excited about it because hey, they liked me enough to bring me back so i'm hoping that i do well and i get an offer. but i'm also really intimidated by it because of the titles of the people i'm meeting with. i'm trying to tell myself that i'm smart, creative and talented and that i will do well, but i'm not feeling very good about myself. the last 4 months have sort of decimated myself esteem, and even before that while working at avon, i wasn't feeling that great either.

Avon was the company for women, but it wasn't the company for me. i hated that place and couldn't stand most of the people. i didn't always love macys or the people, but i could respect them. it seemed everyone always wanted to do their best--ok, most people--and turn out the best work they could. i respond to that. i was lucky to work with a lot of talented and smart people at macys.com. at avon it just felt like people were going through the motions, like they couldn't be bothered. no one wanted to be accountable for anything. everything was so unorganized. i remember on my first day being so confused because there weren't dates on the schedule. no dates, can you imagine? how am i supposed to work like that? how am i supposed to know when my copy is due? my copy is due in june? great, but when in june? how can i be organized and prioritize my work when i don't have a date? and putting a blue in june to tell me my copy is due, doesn't help. my copy is due in blue. thanks. i can't work like that. don't give me colors; colors don't help me. dates help me. give me a date. so yeah, i am not so happy about not being there. i never felt valued there and it seemed like every idea i had was shot down. i'm not perfect, but i'm not a moron either. that was just not the place for me.

i'm ready to work. i used to hate getting up in the morning because i'd have to go to work; now i hate getting up in the morning because i have no place to go. ironic, right? i just want a job where i feel good about the work that i am doing, where i feel like i am contributing, where i can feel good about going every single day.

i just need to believe the right place is out there, and that i'm going to find it.

debt relief

so a couple of years ago, i got myself into a bad debt situation not filing-bankruptcy-debt, but how-the-hell-am-i-going-to-keep-making-the-minimum-payments-on-all-these-cards-debt. yeah, it was pretty bad, but i did it to myself in so many stupid ways including, but not limited to: dropping $60 or $80 on dinner or at the bar a couple of nights a week, charging stuff at duane reade because i didn't have enough cash, buying stupid stuff that i didn't need, dropping $75 a month on candles (REALLY?!—wasted on something that I was just going to burn), spending $125 at the grocery store every single week (i'm one person and i didn't even have a full-size fridge--what was i buying?). there were so many reasons it happened; i was having fun, i didn't want to miss out on anything, i was compensating, i was trying to fill a void.

so after a couple of years of insane spending, i realized i couldn't do it anymore and i got myself on a debt management program, and oh wow, how my life changed. firstly, there was no buying anything that wasn't paid for in cash or by using my debit card, and then there was the "b" word. BUDGET. oh, budget. i don't know how i did it, how i survived, how i lived, but i did. budget and freelance. and instead of the minimum payment to a plethora of cards there was a monthly payment of $674 for 5 years--yeah, that's how bad my debt was. it's a little bit over $40,000.

maybe i should be more ashamed than i am. right now, i think i am more relieved than anything. so now it's five years later and i'm done. well, one partial payment to go, and my student loan was paid off too--although that was a totally separate thing. i've been dreaming about this for years, i kid you not. i am happy, and glad, and relieved, but i feel like this is a little bit of a hollow victory. for years, i told myself that once i was done, i was going to buy myself a fabulous handbag, and by fabulous, i mean expensive. it's sad, but i haven't had anything really expensive in a long time, and i feel like at my age, i should be able to treat myself. i mean, i guess that's pretty stupid, shortsighted and narrow-minded because imagine what my financial situation would be if i had to make a $674 payment every month.

so instead of focusing on what I don't have: a job, my own apartment, a fabulous new handbag, i should think about what I do have. concentrate on the good things; forget about the shallow things that really don't matter. Just another lesson, among many, that i have to learn.

up, up and away...

one of my closest friends just moved away to new zealand. it's not as weird as it sounds. she is from new zealand so after 10 years in the states, it was time to go home. i am beyond sad. i really miss her. and what makes it harder is that she closed herself off and fell off the face of the earth the week before she left, and i haven't really heard from her since she left. i was watching private practice the other night--i've kind of fallen in love with that show--and there was this very sweet part about an "any time" friend, who is the friend who is always there for you any time. and she was one of my anytime friends. it's hard when someone you're used to talking with and seeing every day, someone that you can depend on, isn't there anymore. i miss my friend and i hope she is doing well.

every day is like sunday...every day is silent and gray

it's funny, i thought this would get easier as time passed, but i feel like every day gets a little bit harder. i don't know why i thought it would be easier; i should have known better. right now i am struggling. i'm trying to concentrate on the positives, stay focused on the good things, but it gets harder and harder to do that. some days are better than others, but on the bad days, it's hard to stay positive and believe that everything is going to be ok.

sometimes i get so frustrated because i don't think anyone really gets what i am going through and then i tell myself that of course it they don't get it because it's not happening to them. then i struggle with wondering am i being too whiny? am i taking a passive, victim role? and even if they did get it, what would it matter? what could someone possibly do to make this situation better?

it's hard because i'm 34 and i feel like my life is on hold, and i'm going to have to start all over again and rebuild my life. i keep trying to tell myself that my life isn't broken, it's only broken if i don't do things to fix it. i'm doing the best that i can; i've been looking for jobs and sending out resumes. i'm going on a third interview so i keep telling myself to stay positive because that's a really good sign. third interview is good, right?

putting the pieces back together

i was hanging out in my old neighborhood with a close friend the other day, and the commute home depressed me, and was just a reminder that my life has changed so much and so quickly. sometimes i feel like i broke my life or my life was broken and i'm struggling to put the pieces back together. it just made me miss the days when i felt like i was in control, and everything was transpiring as it was supposed to. but i guess, in retrospect, everything wasn't proceeding along because then it would still be like that. i really do believe that everything in life happens for a reason so i can't, in good conscience, disavow that now because i don't like where my life is. but in a way, i keep trying to tell myself that my life isn't that bad, and that it could be worse. i'm not homeless so that's a plus. and i was miserable at my last job; every day was just another in a string of gray, boring days and i felt like a zombie going through the motions. i was unhappy from day one, which was sad and depressing because on paper, it was supposed to be my dream job. so at least i don't have to go to the bad place, although going to the bad place guaranteed me a paycheck, which i don't have at the moment, and sorely miss. but i keep telling myself that i will enjoy my next job, that going there every day won't be painful, that just thinking about going there every day won't set me on edge or tie my stomach in knots, that i won't dislike most of the people i work with, but instead respect and like my coworkers. i keep telling myself that that's how things will happen, and that they will happen soon.

the pursuit of happiness...

i was hanging out with an old friend from high school the other night--the wonders of facebook--and we got into this deep, technically three-or-four-glasses-of-wine-deep, discussion of happiness. and he said he doesn't think he'd ever been really and truly happy. now, CP is probably one of the most sweet and loving people you will ever meet, and though i remember next to nothing about high school (and i didnt drink or do drugs so clearly another example of a time warp or something), i do remember thinking, i like that kid, he always seems so happy. at the time, i was listening to the smiths and morrissey almost exclusively, and pondering where i thought my life would or wouldn't go, and how i couldn't wait to get the hell out of brooklyn. i didn't have anywhere specific in mind, but like that natalie portman movie, anywhere but here was the perfect destination. even now when i hang out with CP, i think to myself, i like that kid, he always seems so happy so when he said it, i was completely dumbfounded. so i told him that he seemed like one of the happiest people i knew, and then asked if he was faking it. then he said he finds joy in the small moments and the simple things in life, but on the whole, isn't always happy. i don't know. i am confused. part of me struggles with what happiness is; i always thought you're supposed to find joy in the small moments and the simple things. extract the sweetness where you can, wring it out and hold on tight. but on the other hand, i know what he is saying because i feel the same way. i am not a morose or depressed kind of person (i don't listen to the smiths or morrissey that much anymore) and i always find myself laughing and enjoying myself, but i don't know that i am consistently and constantly happy. so i am not sure what definition of happy is right. are they both right? is it an individual personality thing? are some people just hardwired to feel happiness more often or more consistently than others? do some people just "get it" and know it's fleeting so they hold on tighter?

my brain is turning to mush

lately everything is exhausting, and i mean everything. people, daily errands, my mother. especially my mother. plus, it seems like everything takes me longer. it's like i am living in a vortex where time speeds up, but i slow down. i am in a weird time warp where i feel like i am either moving backwards or losing time.

i feel like in the amount of time that i have been unemployed i've gotten slower and stupider. or dumber. or both. words escape me. the other day i was writing something and i couldn't think of the word i wanted to use. it wasn't austere or severe, and it still escapes me. that was two days ago. i really have gotten dumber. so i am struggling with that. i feel like my brain is atrophying. maybe this is some weird darwinian-like experiment where only the smartest of the species survive.

i am trying to read more so that i can keep my brain engaged, hoping that someone else's words and brilliance, depending on the author, can act as a life preserver for my intellect.

pretty words on paper

"The insularity of their concerns made them strangely self centered, which in turn left them strangely immune to compassion."

i read that in A FORTUNATE AGE by joanna smith rackoff. great book. completely devoured it in a few days. loved, loved, loved. and that line definitely struck a chord with me because of what i am going through now. i'm learning a lot of things that i thought i already knew. i'm learning who my real friends are, and i'm learning that people can surprise you in both good ways and bad. i thought i was long-past being surprised by people; i'm a pretty good judge of character, and i've always been able to size a person up in seconds and KNOW them. i don't have time for people that i don't like (who does?) and i don't have time for fake friendships. i don't really do casual friendships. if you're my friend, you're my friend and we're family (but not in a mafia kind of way or anything). so it's been pretty enlightening to see who has been there for me, and who hasn't. it's amazing because it fills my heart up and breaks it at the same time. someone who i didn't think that i could count on has been the most amazing friend to me. and i am surprised by that, but i am also grateful. because right now, i don't know how i would get along without her. maybe sometimes i think she is the only one that gets "it" or gets me right now. and someone that i thought mattered really just doesn't anymore.

maybe that's the silver lining? maybe that's one of the lessons that i needed to learn. i am convinced that if i am going through this then it's because i need to learn a lesson; i think everything happens for a reason, and i can't disavow that now because i don't like the thing that is happening to me.

i've been told that i see things pretty black and white. maybe it's true. i think i just see them as they are, for me in my world. and i guess my world is black and white. i don't think people are bad; i think they sometimes don't care about anything but themselves. and not in selfish way, but in a self-absorbed, this-is-my-world kind of way. i was like that too. it's not that i didn't care about people; it's that i wasn't always affected by other people's concerns. but now it's my concern, and i am more than affected.

i hate you, cablevision.

i lost my job. i moved out of my apartment. i am back at home. i feel like a loser. i feel like a failure. i feel like i am less than i am. and on top of it all, i had to lose my DVR. seriously. broke my heart into a tiny million pieces. i had like 6 years of TV on there including 13 going on 30, which is one of my favorite movies ever. my girl crush on jennifer garner lives on. i am telling you, if she met me, she'd like me and we'd be best friends. (i'm not as delusional as i sound.) countless episodes of supernatural because dean winchester and i are going to happen, and stuff i hadn't even had a chance to watch.

so between packing up my apartment, throwing myself countless pity parties and drinking enough wine to kill any number of large buffalo, i watched as much as i could before i had to take that sucker back to time warner cable. i never thought i'd say this, but i loved time warner cable. i didn't know it then, but i know it now. and the reason i know it now is because i am back in brooklyn and i have cablevision, which is an oxymoron because i couldn't think of a cable company with less of a vision. now cablevision just sucks. i wish i could put together a prettier phrase to tell you the extent of how much cablevision sucks, but i can't because it sucks so much that i am dumfounded. i've had the triple play package for almost two weeks now, and this week is the first time where everything works in conjunction.

first the phone didn't work. like why do i even need a landline if it's not going to work? the whole point of having a landline is for emergencies when you're cellphone doesn't work. thanks for nothing, cablevision. i've fallen and i can't get up, and my phone doesn't work. i had to reboot the box at least three times a day because the guide didn't work. now everyone knows that rebooting the box is annoying, but the cablevision box is a fresh kind of hell because it takes about 7 minutes for it to come to life and another 7 minutes to stop flashing "boot." 15 minutes every time, at least three times a day. it's a good thing that i don't have a job, cablevision, because that could get in the way of my life.

don't even get me started on the DVR. it's especially painful. i came home the other night and it was filled 100%--and this isn't even prime tv time. are you kidding me with this? i have at least 6 shows a night, not to mention my small NCIS-reruns-on-USA addiction. so 100% when all my shows aren't even on? well, it's a joke. it has practically no memory. it didn't even tape my shows yesterday because it was FULL. that never happened with my old DVR. sigh. my old DVR, which right now i am fondly referring to as the love of my life had at least 20 shows saved on it and was only 40 or 50% full. it's horrific. but i guess it could be worse...

this is me

i never thought i'd be 34, unemployed, and living back at home with my mom. it's not even that i had a whole life plan where i'd be married with 2.5 kids and a range rover. i don't even have a driver's license (i grew up in brooklyn, and never needed one. and since i made my life in nyc, i never even thought to try and get one). my plan was always about me and my career; i figured the husband and kid thing would work itself out later, when i was ready, when the right guy showed up, blah blah blah, when it was meant to be. clearly that hasn't happened yet.

i'm a working girl in the best sense of the phrase, not in the hooker on 42nd street sense. i'm smart, talented and creative. i'm a good worker. i get things done. a lot of my identity came from that; i'm not proud of it, and i never thought i would be that person who got their identity from a job. and i am not even sure that i got mine from my job persay, but just the fact that i was making a living writing, when the whole time growing up, everyone always told me to play it safe and become a teacher. and let's face it, children never want to settle for second best. they shouldn't have to. don't kill a dream before you get to plant the seeds and watch them flourish. adults are great at that; maybe it's fear or foresight, i don't know. what i do know is that i never wanted to teach, but apparently the whole summers off thing was something adults dreamed of. i didn't know what i wanted to do except write. doctor, lawyer, teacher were not for me. so i got my english degree, went into publishing, realized working on someone else's dream was slowly killing my soul and became a copywriter. it was a perfect fit. it couldn't have worked better if i'd actually planned on becoming a copywriter in the first place.

i did at stint at macys.com for about 5-1/2 years, and then headed over to avon products because i have been obsessed with beauty products ever since i can remember. basically since birth. i was there for about a year and a half until the day i was sitting at my desk and my creative director's assistant came over to me and said DL wants to see you. so i knew i was out because in the entire time i'd been there DL hadn't said anything more than hi to me, and you could tell that trifling salutation caused her physical pain. there was nothing that DL had to say to me except get out. it wasn't that simple; there was a whole HR thing, a package to discuss, blah blah blah, this is us telling you you're life as you know it is over. at least that's what it felt like.

i don't even know what to say. i thought about blogging about my unemployed/moving back home/slowly going insane experience, but resisted it because i always thought that people who blog about their daily lives are narcissistic a-holes. get a journal and get a life. i keep a journal--morning pages actually, thank you, julia cameron--and that's where i let my stuff out. then i was having dinner with my friend R and she was like you should blog about it. you're a writer, it could help. so we will see.