pretty words on paper

"The insularity of their concerns made them strangely self centered, which in turn left them strangely immune to compassion."

i read that in A FORTUNATE AGE by joanna smith rackoff. great book. completely devoured it in a few days. loved, loved, loved. and that line definitely struck a chord with me because of what i am going through now. i'm learning a lot of things that i thought i already knew. i'm learning who my real friends are, and i'm learning that people can surprise you in both good ways and bad. i thought i was long-past being surprised by people; i'm a pretty good judge of character, and i've always been able to size a person up in seconds and KNOW them. i don't have time for people that i don't like (who does?) and i don't have time for fake friendships. i don't really do casual friendships. if you're my friend, you're my friend and we're family (but not in a mafia kind of way or anything). so it's been pretty enlightening to see who has been there for me, and who hasn't. it's amazing because it fills my heart up and breaks it at the same time. someone who i didn't think that i could count on has been the most amazing friend to me. and i am surprised by that, but i am also grateful. because right now, i don't know how i would get along without her. maybe sometimes i think she is the only one that gets "it" or gets me right now. and someone that i thought mattered really just doesn't anymore.

maybe that's the silver lining? maybe that's one of the lessons that i needed to learn. i am convinced that if i am going through this then it's because i need to learn a lesson; i think everything happens for a reason, and i can't disavow that now because i don't like the thing that is happening to me.

i've been told that i see things pretty black and white. maybe it's true. i think i just see them as they are, for me in my world. and i guess my world is black and white. i don't think people are bad; i think they sometimes don't care about anything but themselves. and not in selfish way, but in a self-absorbed, this-is-my-world kind of way. i was like that too. it's not that i didn't care about people; it's that i wasn't always affected by other people's concerns. but now it's my concern, and i am more than affected.