bread and water, please!

so i had another interview the other day--second as a matter of fact, which is good--and i realize the thing that trips me up. i'm a babbling fool. yep. i mean, i always knew this about myself; i knew i did it in social situations when i was feeling awkward, but i'm realizing it more and more that i do it on interviews out of nervousness. i am not a good interviewee naturally, i am not a good shmoozer; i just don't have that gift. i am nervous and insecure and afraid and desperate. i want a job. i need a job. i feel like i'm walking a tightrope and in a few steps, i am going to plummet to my death. which leads me to my most recent interview...

first part goes well, which i'm relieved and even a little surprised about. i was so nervous, especially because i get off the elevator and there's no reception area. i'm waiting and waiting and going a little crazy, thinking to myself, i'm here on time--early, actually, which is a miracle in and of itself because i'm never early for anything!--and no one is going to know that because no one is coming to let me in, and it will seem like i'm late. and my thoughts were coming about a mile a minute and i was in the middle of a freakout because it's been a good ten minutes, and i'm just sitting there waiting. so i finally knock on the glass doors and some poor guy came over and was basically like what the hell do you want? weird, i know, but i'm so glad that i knocked on the door like the little matchstick girl because the person i was interviewing with forgot i was coming in today. awesome. i was supposed to ask for the HR person, and i did, but have yet to meet her. totally odd.

so first part of the interview goes well and i'm supposed to wait for the VP of blah blah blah. ok, great! 10 minutes, 20 minutes, 30 minutes, 35 minutes...and the whole time i'm freaking out because i am wondering if i'm actually supposed to still be there. did they forget about me? are they blowing me off? what's going on? 40 minutes, 45 minutes....

are they testing my patience to see how long i can wait or are they testing my initiative to see if i will speak up? yes, i am completely driving myself crazy. the whole time i felt myself becoming more and more anxious and a bit panicky. the room was stuffy and i was getting warmer and warmer. it reminded me of back in the day when i would get random panic attacks. i literally felt my rational thought pattern unraveling. i kind of felt like i was a suspect on NCIS waiting for Gibbs to come and interrogate me. so after an hour of me losing my mind, the VP of bad manners comes in and we start the interview. unfortunately for me, i just can't snap back or pull it together, and all my thoughtful, prepared answers go out the window. and i know that i am tanking this because i can see it all over her face. and i just feel like crap, so i finally tell her i can show her what i can do if she gives me a copy test because at this point, i am having trouble focusing my thought patterns and i'm a babbling idiot. i felt like i was having an out-of-body experience because i could see myself babbling on and on, and i heard my own voice watching from a distance telling myself to shut the hell up.