debt relief

so a couple of years ago, i got myself into a bad debt situation not filing-bankruptcy-debt, but how-the-hell-am-i-going-to-keep-making-the-minimum-payments-on-all-these-cards-debt. yeah, it was pretty bad, but i did it to myself in so many stupid ways including, but not limited to: dropping $60 or $80 on dinner or at the bar a couple of nights a week, charging stuff at duane reade because i didn't have enough cash, buying stupid stuff that i didn't need, dropping $75 a month on candles (REALLY?!—wasted on something that I was just going to burn), spending $125 at the grocery store every single week (i'm one person and i didn't even have a full-size fridge--what was i buying?). there were so many reasons it happened; i was having fun, i didn't want to miss out on anything, i was compensating, i was trying to fill a void.

so after a couple of years of insane spending, i realized i couldn't do it anymore and i got myself on a debt management program, and oh wow, how my life changed. firstly, there was no buying anything that wasn't paid for in cash or by using my debit card, and then there was the "b" word. BUDGET. oh, budget. i don't know how i did it, how i survived, how i lived, but i did. budget and freelance. and instead of the minimum payment to a plethora of cards there was a monthly payment of $674 for 5 years--yeah, that's how bad my debt was. it's a little bit over $40,000.

maybe i should be more ashamed than i am. right now, i think i am more relieved than anything. so now it's five years later and i'm done. well, one partial payment to go, and my student loan was paid off too--although that was a totally separate thing. i've been dreaming about this for years, i kid you not. i am happy, and glad, and relieved, but i feel like this is a little bit of a hollow victory. for years, i told myself that once i was done, i was going to buy myself a fabulous handbag, and by fabulous, i mean expensive. it's sad, but i haven't had anything really expensive in a long time, and i feel like at my age, i should be able to treat myself. i mean, i guess that's pretty stupid, shortsighted and narrow-minded because imagine what my financial situation would be if i had to make a $674 payment every month.

so instead of focusing on what I don't have: a job, my own apartment, a fabulous new handbag, i should think about what I do have. concentrate on the good things; forget about the shallow things that really don't matter. Just another lesson, among many, that i have to learn.