these things take time...

i have a third interview at a company. i'm really excited about it because hey, they liked me enough to bring me back so i'm hoping that i do well and i get an offer. but i'm also really intimidated by it because of the titles of the people i'm meeting with. i'm trying to tell myself that i'm smart, creative and talented and that i will do well, but i'm not feeling very good about myself. the last 4 months have sort of decimated myself esteem, and even before that while working at avon, i wasn't feeling that great either.

Avon was the company for women, but it wasn't the company for me. i hated that place and couldn't stand most of the people. i didn't always love macys or the people, but i could respect them. it seemed everyone always wanted to do their best--ok, most people--and turn out the best work they could. i respond to that. i was lucky to work with a lot of talented and smart people at macys.com. at avon it just felt like people were going through the motions, like they couldn't be bothered. no one wanted to be accountable for anything. everything was so unorganized. i remember on my first day being so confused because there weren't dates on the schedule. no dates, can you imagine? how am i supposed to work like that? how am i supposed to know when my copy is due? my copy is due in june? great, but when in june? how can i be organized and prioritize my work when i don't have a date? and putting a blue in june to tell me my copy is due, doesn't help. my copy is due in blue. thanks. i can't work like that. don't give me colors; colors don't help me. dates help me. give me a date. so yeah, i am not so happy about not being there. i never felt valued there and it seemed like every idea i had was shot down. i'm not perfect, but i'm not a moron either. that was just not the place for me.

i'm ready to work. i used to hate getting up in the morning because i'd have to go to work; now i hate getting up in the morning because i have no place to go. ironic, right? i just want a job where i feel good about the work that i am doing, where i feel like i am contributing, where i can feel good about going every single day.

i just need to believe the right place is out there, and that i'm going to find it.

debt relief

so a couple of years ago, i got myself into a bad debt situation not filing-bankruptcy-debt, but how-the-hell-am-i-going-to-keep-making-the-minimum-payments-on-all-these-cards-debt. yeah, it was pretty bad, but i did it to myself in so many stupid ways including, but not limited to: dropping $60 or $80 on dinner or at the bar a couple of nights a week, charging stuff at duane reade because i didn't have enough cash, buying stupid stuff that i didn't need, dropping $75 a month on candles (REALLY?!—wasted on something that I was just going to burn), spending $125 at the grocery store every single week (i'm one person and i didn't even have a full-size fridge--what was i buying?). there were so many reasons it happened; i was having fun, i didn't want to miss out on anything, i was compensating, i was trying to fill a void.

so after a couple of years of insane spending, i realized i couldn't do it anymore and i got myself on a debt management program, and oh wow, how my life changed. firstly, there was no buying anything that wasn't paid for in cash or by using my debit card, and then there was the "b" word. BUDGET. oh, budget. i don't know how i did it, how i survived, how i lived, but i did. budget and freelance. and instead of the minimum payment to a plethora of cards there was a monthly payment of $674 for 5 years--yeah, that's how bad my debt was. it's a little bit over $40,000.

maybe i should be more ashamed than i am. right now, i think i am more relieved than anything. so now it's five years later and i'm done. well, one partial payment to go, and my student loan was paid off too--although that was a totally separate thing. i've been dreaming about this for years, i kid you not. i am happy, and glad, and relieved, but i feel like this is a little bit of a hollow victory. for years, i told myself that once i was done, i was going to buy myself a fabulous handbag, and by fabulous, i mean expensive. it's sad, but i haven't had anything really expensive in a long time, and i feel like at my age, i should be able to treat myself. i mean, i guess that's pretty stupid, shortsighted and narrow-minded because imagine what my financial situation would be if i had to make a $674 payment every month.

so instead of focusing on what I don't have: a job, my own apartment, a fabulous new handbag, i should think about what I do have. concentrate on the good things; forget about the shallow things that really don't matter. Just another lesson, among many, that i have to learn.

up, up and away...

one of my closest friends just moved away to new zealand. it's not as weird as it sounds. she is from new zealand so after 10 years in the states, it was time to go home. i am beyond sad. i really miss her. and what makes it harder is that she closed herself off and fell off the face of the earth the week before she left, and i haven't really heard from her since she left. i was watching private practice the other night--i've kind of fallen in love with that show--and there was this very sweet part about an "any time" friend, who is the friend who is always there for you any time. and she was one of my anytime friends. it's hard when someone you're used to talking with and seeing every day, someone that you can depend on, isn't there anymore. i miss my friend and i hope she is doing well.

every day is like sunday...every day is silent and gray

it's funny, i thought this would get easier as time passed, but i feel like every day gets a little bit harder. i don't know why i thought it would be easier; i should have known better. right now i am struggling. i'm trying to concentrate on the positives, stay focused on the good things, but it gets harder and harder to do that. some days are better than others, but on the bad days, it's hard to stay positive and believe that everything is going to be ok.

sometimes i get so frustrated because i don't think anyone really gets what i am going through and then i tell myself that of course it they don't get it because it's not happening to them. then i struggle with wondering am i being too whiny? am i taking a passive, victim role? and even if they did get it, what would it matter? what could someone possibly do to make this situation better?

it's hard because i'm 34 and i feel like my life is on hold, and i'm going to have to start all over again and rebuild my life. i keep trying to tell myself that my life isn't broken, it's only broken if i don't do things to fix it. i'm doing the best that i can; i've been looking for jobs and sending out resumes. i'm going on a third interview so i keep telling myself to stay positive because that's a really good sign. third interview is good, right?